Who knew how much mental illness, prescription addiction and alcoholism could be such comic gold in the sports media?
David Feherty has made it fair game.
When the CBS golf analyst and host of his new, self-named Golf Channel series is behind the wheel of the cart, steering the conversation through hazards that are natural, lateral and bipolar, the audience can get a little skittish.
During a fly-by in Burbank for an appearance on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” earlier this week, Feherty managed to refer to Rory McIlroy as a “little bastard” twice, said Charles Barkley’s swing look like he’d “just been Tasered by a Georgia state trooper,” talked about an air compressor accident that left his lower mid-region swollen and suggested to fellow guest Howie Mandel they might match up their pill boxes.
The 52-year-old with his tie askew and devilish goatee neatly trimmed can pull it off with his melodic Northern Ireland accent and sound as if he’s always asking a question to which there’s no answer.
Leno eventually asked Feherty about his personal battles. Feherty snapped into a serious tone and told a story about how his young daughter brought him back to reality one day, and the role that Tom Watson, a recent guest on his show, played in his personal rescue as well.
Feherty admitted he’d been sober for more than five years. But back in the day, he would down bottles of Bushmills Irish whiskey every day along with 40 Vicodin painkillers.
The
audience wasn’t sure whether to giggle or grimace.
“Trust me, that’s not funny,” Feherty shot back with a smirk. “You take 40 Vicodin a day, try going to the bathroom once a month. It’s like giving birth to a concrete Christmas tree.”
A couple hours earlier over a slice of strawberry cheesecake and a scoop of vanilla ice cream at the iconic Bob’s Big Boy down the street from Leno’s studio, Feherty was just warming up.
We threw 20 (or so) questions his way. With fork in hand, he attacked them with more raw honesty:
QUESTION: What’s the one thing you can never do without every morning?
ANSWER: Amphetamines. I take an antidepressant, a mood stabilizer, and amphetamines. I can go a few days without the first two. But if I don’t have the amphetamines, I can’t function as anything close to normal. Or whatever that is. I literally can’t.
I’m a big believer in a better life through chemistry.
Q: We saw in an interview where you said of yourself, “I’m not a nice person. I’m mean-spirited and sarcastic.” At what time of the day is that most prevalent?
A: Yeah. That’s probably, oh, um, middle of the night when I can’t stop my head from racing. I don’t sleep very much at all. And if anyone were around … my wife is occasionally, but she’s asleep. So I’m on my own being mean-spirited and sarcastic. Fortunately. There’s a lot voices inside my head and one of them usually comes out on top. But people don’t take me seriously a lot of the time, when I’m actually being serious. So when you’re trying to insult someone and you can’t do it, it’s like you’ve lost your ability to insult. Like, `F- off.’ And it’s `Ah, you crack me up.’ `No seriously, f- off.’
Q: What can be the best addiction someone can have?
A: Physical exercise is one as great as you can have. Or unnecessary acts of kindness.
Q: The product you’d like to endorse is …
A: I’m a big fan of Preparation H. And not for the reasons … I put it on my eyes this morning. It’s an old supermodel trick. You gotta use the jell, not the ointment. That looks a little too greasy. Use the jell around your eyes, the wrinkles just go … whomp … I look a lot worse than this normally.
I might also do something for a stool softener. Like a padded foam cover for your stool. You get this commercial where the camera shows two people sitting on parallel toilets, holding hands, like the Cialis commercials. But it would be more relevant than Cialis. Because you actually need a stool softener when you’re on the toilet. Right?
Q: Fart jokes: Underrated?
A: I think they get most of the credit they deserve. They’re usually the best. They’re just downright funny.
One of the best I ever heard wasn’t a joke – it actually happened. A friend of mine, Jack McClusky, he used to caddie for me. We were coming out of a hotel and there was a little old lady in a Zimmer frame (walker) and she’s giving it this (pushing it forward very slowly). And we got to where Jack was holding open one door for her, and I was holding open the other. And just as she was walking past us, he unleashed the most God-awful fart. I mean, it was a stunt fart. It was chiropractic, the kind that would click your back. And she stopped. She looked up with a weird face. And Jack said, “Don’t worry dear, everyone will think it was me.” I blew a snot bubble laughing so hard. That’s the greatest fart line I’d ever heard in my life. It’s all about the timing.
Q: During last Sunday’s CBS coverage of the John Deere Classic, you referred to Steve Stricker’s bunker stance at one point as looking like “a giraffe in a water hole.” Not that it was any kind of double entendre or anything, but you probably can get away with bizarre references sometimes that many people don’t get. How do you pull that off?
A: Yeah, I made one (during that tournament). I think it was Chez Reavie hit a putt that just finished short and I said, `Oh, just one more Wheatie. One more stick of all-bran. Just to get a little more movement.’ Who’s getting that, really? But I got a scolding. Anyone who’s thinking that way should be ashamed of themselves. Like me. `Stick of all-bran for a little more movement.’ C’mon.
Q: The most famous golf course that you’re not allowed to ever play on again?
A: Pine Valley (in New Jersey). I got thrown out for not playing it years ago. I was with a member and a friend of mine. We’d been drinking. We went up there to take a look at the place. And we drank some more and somebody recognized me and said, “What did you think of the course?” And I said, “Well, we didn’t play, we just came up to look at it.” And he said, “Whoa, you know my friend and I are going out now, there’s still time to play nine. Why don’t you join us?” “Thank you very much, but no.” And he looked at me and said: “Nobody refuses a chance to play Pine Valley.” And I said, “You just met the first (bleep) who did.” So there.
Q: Gary McCord is …
A: Fundamentally not right in the head. It’s one reason we get along. He grew old, but not up.
Q: Jim Nantz is …
A: Exactly who you’d think he is. He’s a rock that we all hide behind in bad weather. He’s the best.
Q: Best advice you ever received about broadcasting?
A: Ken Venturi told me, “You can never be criticized for saying too little.” And I totally disregard it.
Q: Which part of your body hurts most today, and is it a residual effect of a bike accident?
A: My left arm is still pretty crippled (from a 2008 bike accident near his home in Dallas in which he was hit by a truck). I got crushed between here (the elbow) and here (the forearm) and it’s all still numb. I’ve got no ulnar nerves there. I can’t close this (left) hand. My shoulder is just a dull ache. I can’t take medicine for that. I’ve had a minor problem with that stuff.
Q: The greatest opera singer you’ve ever heard?
A: There are great actor-singers. And there are great singers who couldn’t act, like (Luciano) Pavarotti, who is the greatest ever when it comes to tenors. Incomparable. Currently, I’d say Bryn Terfel – he’s the Tiger Woods of bass baritones. He’s liquid gold pouring out of the heavens. He’s got a voice that’s unfair for a big fat Welshman.
Q: The one thing no one living here in the U.S. will never understand about Northern Ireland is …
A: If you’re not from there, you’re safe. We love everybody else, we just hate each other. Nietzsche calls it a collective subconscious, where there’s an inbred genetic marker handed down. Most intolerance is a learned behavior, but there’s a subconscious thing between the English and the Irish and other ethnic groups that’s lasted for centuries. We don’t really understand but it’s clearly there to deal with.
You know, Northern Ireland is a beautiful country. It’ll be nice when it’s finished.
Q: You’ve said growing up near Belfast in the ’60s and ’70s during the strife and urban warfare gave you a “keen sense of the absurd that armed you for playing golf, a totally absurd sport.” What other sports in the world do you find to be pretty absurd?
A: Curling. It’s wonderful. Here’s a brush. I’ll scream at you. Go down there. I’ll throw a 40-pound rock at you. Look at the people who play it. They’re all from Canada or Inverness or the Arctic circle. “What do we do now? Let’s put a rock on the ice.” And oddly enough I find it fascinating.
Basketball is also absurd. The hole is in the air. It makes no sense.
Q: Coming up on “Feherty” you’ve got Rory McIlroy, John McEnroe, Tony Romo … Who’s the one guest you’d want to interview for your Golf Channel show but doubt you’ll ever get?
A: Bill Murray. He’s one of the most important figures in golf that people don’t realize. “Caddyshack,” which is by far nowhere near his best work – and it annoys him at times that people equate him with that – but it changed a lot of people’s opinions about the country-club set. It shined a light up the kilt of the golf establishment. I’m not sure any of them knew the kind of long-term impact that it might have. He’s a most unusual man. He doesn’t have a cell phone. People give scripts to him leaving them at the gym and hoping he’ll pick them up. He has six boys and he looks after them himself, with no nanny. He’s a passionate and brilliant actor. “Lost in Translation” is just sensational.
Q: Colin Montgomerie – you’re credited as the first to give him the nickname “Mrs. Doubtfire.” True?
A: I actually didn’t, but I’m all right with that. It was an English bloke called John Hawksworth. But when the press came asking, `What’s it like playing with Mrs. Doubtfire,’ then they pinned to it to me. I’ve never used it on the air. I’ve said he looked like “a warthog chewing the head off a wasp.”
Q: Your guest coming up next is Johnny Miller. How far could the envelope get pushed on a broadcast if you two were allowed to work together?
A: I think you’d need a padded envelope, the kind you send stuff where you don’t want people to know what the hell is in it. Or one of those plastic UPS ones that you can’t open with a hand grenade. Because the first thing is, I disagree with him occasionally, which is (a long gasp). Just once I’d like someone to say, `You’re absolutely wrong, Johnny.’ And I did it. You’ll see it Tuesday.
More Feherty Q-and-A on the blog: www.insidesocal.com/tomhoffarth
And follow Tom Hoffarth’s pathetic attempts on Twitter: twitter.com/tomhoffarth
